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Tue, Sep. 29th, 2009, 02:41 pm
bolognaforfeet: Introduction

Hi. I'm 26, and I don't think I've ever had a full fledged ED, but certainly flirted with it a few times in my life. I've been obsessed with my weight for most of my life. My mom even said that when I was in second grade, I told her I had to exercise because my legs were too fat. My main extra curriculars throughout my entire life were dance and swimming. I even took my dancing into college. Unfortunately, I'm 5'6" and broad framed--broad shoulders, broad ribcage, broad hips--that's just my bones, I can't change it, and most dancers are short and, obviously, rail thin. So I always struggled with the thoughts of how I don't look like the other dancers.

I weigh a lot more than I look. Probably from dancing and swimming my whole life, no matter how unhealthy I may be, I've always maintained a lot of muscle mass. Even at my lowest (Sophomore year of college:  1 turkey wrap a day, 5 jogging miles, crunches, pushups twice a day, 2 dance classes a day and usually a rehearsal at night), I only got down to 139 and wasn't disgustingly thin-looking. But if you knew me well, you'd be able to pick out the unnatural boniness. When I'd go home to my high school town, people were always surprised and commented on how thin I was.

Anyway, I moved to Chicago and gained weight (it is a notorious fat city). This past winter I was really poor and couldn't afford to eat much and lost weight. Then, when I would be on my way to work (I'm a waitress), starving and thinking about what I'm going to order for dinner, I'd find myself still getting picky about what I was going to have. Then I'd have two voices arguing with each other:  One encouraging me to restrict myself and see if I could lose more, and another telling that voice to shut up and I should have a steak. Then I'd get sad that I was still "sick" and realizing that I'm probably going to have to deal with this voice thing my whole life. Is it possible to make it go away?

Lately I've been working out well and trying to eat well. I think I'm still restricted to about two meals a day, total, though, so that's not good. And I constantly find myself absent-mindedly measuring my wrist with my fingers or playing with my collar bone (I'm obsessed with collar bones). But, at least, when I do eat, I don't freak out too much about what it is--though I'm likely to say no to pizza or pancakes.

My "boyfriend"-like guy (long story) wants me to be healthy, loves the way I look, and wants to know what he can do to help. I don't know what to tell him. Compliments can 1) infuriate me if I'm being unhealthy 2) encourage me to be unhealthy 3) make me happy (of course), so that's like Russian roulette. Are any of you in a relationship with someone who wants to help? What have you found? I also would like to quit smoking someday, but of course am terrified of gaining weight. Any thoughts on that?

Sorry it was so long. I just wanted to say hi and find people to relate to, with this. Cheers!

Tue, Nov. 12th, 2013 10:23 pm (UTC)
debthewolf

Hello, I'm new to LiveJournal (besides when I was 15) and could also use a friend to help with losing weight. Feel free to add me!